| MALIGNANT SELF LOVE NARCISSISM RE-VISITED (Second, Revised Edition) by SHMUEL (SAM) VAKNIN, Ph.D. |
| INTRODUCTION: THE
SOUL OF A
NARCISSIST THE STATE OF THE ART We all love ourselves. That seems to be such an instinctively true assumption that we do not bother to examine it more thoroughly. In our daily lives - in love and in business, to name but two human behaviours - we act on this premise. Yet, upon closer inspection, it acquires a shakier nature. Some people explicitly state that they do not love themselves at all. Others confine their lack of self-love to certain traits, to their personal history or to some of their behaviour patterns. Yet others feel content with who they are and with what they are doing. But one group of people seems so distinct in its mental constitution - that it was distinguished by a special psychological termin: "Narcissists". The legend of Narcissus is an asset of Western civilisation. This Greek boy fell in love with his own reflection in a pond. Presumably, this amply sums up the nature of his namesakes: "Narcissists". They are in love with themselves. But this is a fallacy. Narcissus is not in love with HIMSELF. He is in love with his REFLECTION. There is bound to be a major difference between "true" self and reflected-self. Loving your true self sounds like a healthy, adaptive and functional quality - and, indeed, it is. Loving your reflection might have two major drawbacks: one is the dependence on the very existence and availability of a reflection to produce the affect of self-love. The other is the absence of a "compass", an "objective and realistic yardstick", by which to judge the authenticity of the reflection and to measure its isomorphic attributes. In other words, it is impossible to tell whether the reflection is true to reality - and, if so, to what extent. The popular misconception is that Narcissists love themselves. Truly, they direct their love to second hand impressions of themselves in the eyes of beholders. He who loves impressions is not acquainted with the emotion of loving humans and is, therefore, incapable of loving them. He loves no humans - and, first and foremost, he does not love himself. But, like Shylock, a Narcissist possesses the in-bred desire to love and to be loved. If he cannot love himself - he has to love his reflection. But to love his reflection - it must be lovable. Thus, driven by the insatiable urge to love (which we all possess), the Narcissist is grossly pre-occupied with projecting a loveable image of himself unto others. This image has to be compatible with his image in his own eyes ("Self Image"). It has to be preserveable while using a reasonable proportion of the resources and energy of the Narcissist. An image which would take most of the Narcissist's time and energy to preserve, would be highly ineffective because it would render him vulnerable to external threats. But the most important characteristic of such an image would be its loveability. In the eyes of a Narcissist, Love is interchangeable with other emotions, such as awe, respect, admiration, even mere attention. An image which would provoke these reactions in others - would be both "loveable and loved" to the Narcissist. It would satisfy his basic requirement: that it should give him something to love which would feel like self-love. The more successful this image (or series of successive images) - the more the Narcissist becomes divorced from his true self and married to the image. We are not saying that the Narcissist does not have this central nucleus of a "Self". All we are saying is that he prefers his image - with which he identifies himself unreservedly - to his Self. A hierarchy is formed. The Self becomes a serf to the Image. This is exactly the opposite of the common notions concerning Narcissists. The Narcissist is not selfish - his Self is paralysed. He is not tuned exclusively to his needs. On the contrary: he ignores them as many of them conflict with his omnipotent and omniscient image. He does not put himself first - he puts his Self last. He caters to the needs and wishes of everyone around him - because he craves their love and admiration. It is through their affective reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. In many ways he annuls himself - only to re-invent himself through the look of others. He is the person most insensitive to his true needs. The Narcissist consumes his mental energy incessantly in this process. He drains himself. This is why he has no energy to dedicate to others. This fact plus his inability to love human beings in their many dimensions and facets - transform him into a mental recluse. His soul is fortified and in the solace of this newly found fortification he guards its territory jealously and fiercely. He protects what he perceives to constitute his independence. Why should people indulge the Narcissist? And what is the "evolutionary", survival value of preferring one kind of love (directed at a symbol, an image) to another (directed at one's Self)? These questions torment the Narcissist. His convoluted mind comes up with the most elaborate contraptions in order to provide him with apparently reasonable answers. Why should people indulge the Narcissist, divert time and energy, give him attention, love and adulation? The answer is simple: because he is worth it. The Narcissist has an inflated sense of self-worth. He feels that he deserves whatever he succeeds to get from others and much more. Actually, he feels betrayed and underprivileged because he always feels that he does not get enough, that he should get more than he does. There is a discrepancy between the infinite certainty that his is a special status worthy of eternally recurrent praise and adoration, replete with special benefits and prerogatives - and the actual state of things, however benign. This the cause of the psychodynamics of the Narcissist's mind. This status of uniqueness is bestowed upon the Narcissist not by virtue of his achievements or special biography. To him, it should be his because he exists. His mere existence is sufficiently unique to warrant the kind of treatment that he expects to get from the world. Herein lies a paradox which haunts the Narcissist: he derives his sense of uniqueness from the very fact that he exists and he derives his sense of existence from the very fact (or so he believes) that he is unique. Clinical data show, that rarely is there any realistic basis for this notion of greatness and uniqueness. Narcissists do hold high positions and, at times, are achievers with proven track records. Some of them are respected members of their communities, some of them even leaders. Mostly, they are dynamic and successful. Still, one thing separates them from persons of similar circumstance: the pomp. They are ridiculously pompous and inflated personalities, bordering on parody and provoking resentment. The Narcissist is forced to use other people in order to feel that he exists. It is trough their eyes and through their behaviour that he collects proof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is an habitual "people-junkie". With time, he comes to regard those around him as mere instruments for his satisfaction, as bi-dimensional cartoon figures with minor lines in the script of his magnificent life. He becomes unscrupulous and suppresses all inconvenience that he might have felt in the past concerning his conduct. He seems never to be bothered by the constant use he makes of his milieu. He seems not to mind the consequences of his acts: the damage and the pains that he inflicts on others and even the social condemnation and sanctions that he often has to endure. When a person persists in a dysfunctional, maladaptive or plain useless behaviour despite grave repercussions to himself and to his surroundings - we say that he is obsessive - compulsive. It would, indeed, be safe to say that the Narcissist is compulsive in his behaviour. This linkage between Narcissism and obsessive-compulsive disorders sheds light on the mechanisms of the Narcissistic soul. A Narcissist does not suffer from a faulty sense of the future. He is able to accurately predict the outcomes of his actions and he knows that he might be forced to pay a dear price for his deeds. But he cannot help it. A personality whose very existence is a derivative of its reflection in other people's minds - is perilously dependent on these people's perceptions. They are the source of its NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY. Every shred of criticism and disapproval is interpreted as a withholding of this supply and as a direct threat to the very existence of the Narcissist. The Narcissist lives in a world of all or nothing, of "to be or not be" with every discussion that he holds, with every glance of every passer-by. This is why the reactions of the Narcissist seem so disproportionate: he reacts to a threat to the very cohesion of his Self. Thus, a minor disagreement is transformed in his harried mind into an ominous sign that he is going to remain devoid of his sources of self-definition. This is such a crucial matter, that the Narcissist cannot take chances. He would rather be mistaken - then null and void. He would rather discern disapproval and unjustified criticism where there is none - then face the consequences of being caught off-guard. The Narcissist has to condition his environment to refrain from expressing criticism and disapproval of him or of his actions and decisions. He has to teach them that these will provoke him into frightful fits of temper, rage attacks and turn him into a constantly demure person. He has to demonstrate to them the disproportionality of his reactions - a punishment for their lack of consideration, their ignorance of his true psychological state. In a curious reversal of roles The Narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of provoking him and believes firmly that THEY should be penalised accordingly. There is no way to dissuade the Narcissist once he has embarked on one of his temper tantrums. Apologies - unless accompanied by verbal or other humiliation - are not enough. The fuel of his rage is consumed mainly by vitriolic verbal send-offs directed at the perpetrator of the offense. A coherent picture emerges: The Narcissist - wittingly or not - utilises people to buttress his self image and self worth. As long and as much as they are instrumental in achieving these goals - he holds them in high regard, they are valuable to him. It is only through this lens that he regards them. This is a result of his inability to love humans: he lacks empathy, he thinks utility, he reduces humans to mere instruments. If they cease to "function", if - no matter how inadvertently - they cause him to doubt this illusory, half invented, self esteem - they become the subject of a reign of terror. The Narcissist will hurt these "insubordinates". He will belittle and humiliate them. He will display aggression and violence in myriad forms. His behaviour will metamorphesize, kaleidoscopically, from over-valuation of the useful other - to a severe under - and devaluation of same. The Narcissist abhors, almost physiologically, others who are judged by him to be "useless". These rapid alterations between absolute overvaluation to complete devaluation of others makes the maintenance of long term interpersonal relationship all but impossible. The more pathological form of Narcissism - the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - was defined in the successive versions of the American DSM and the European ICD. It is useful to scrutinise these geological layers of clinical observations and their interpretation. In 1977 the DSM-III criteria included (the following texts are adaptations of the original ones): . An inflated valuation of oneself (exaggeration of talents and achievements, demonstration of presumptuous self confidence); . Interpersonal exploitation (uses others to satisfy his needs and desires, expects preferential treatment without undertaking mutual commitments); . Possesses expansive imagination (externalises immature and non-regimented fantasies, "prevaricates to redeem self-illusions"); . Displays supercilious imperturbability (except when the Narcissistic confidence is shaken), nonchalant, unimpressed and cold-blooded. . Defective social conscience (rebels against the conventions of common social existence, does not value personal integrity and the rights of other people). Compare the 1977 version with the one adopted 10 years later (in the DSM-III-R) and expanded upon in 1994 (in the DSM-IV): An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or in behaviour), need for admiration and a marked lack of empathy which starts at early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. At least 5 of the following should be present to qualify a person as suffering from NPD: (1) Possesses a grandiose sense of self importance (for example: exaggerates his achievements and his talents, expects his superiority to be recognised without having the commensurate skills or achievements) (2) Pre-occupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance and beauty or of ideal love (3) Believes that he is unique and special and that only high status and special people (or institutions) could understand him (or that it is only with such people and institutions that it is worth his while to be associated with) (4) Demands excessive and exceptional admiration (5) Feels that he is deserving of exceptionally good treatment, automatic obeisance of his (usually unrealistic) expectations (6) Exploitative in his interpersonal relationships, uses others to achieve his goals (7) Lacks empathy: is disinterested in other people's needs and emotions and does not identify with them. (8) Envies others or believes that others envy him (9) Displays arrogance and haughtiness. There emerges a portrait of a monster, a ruthless and exploitative person. But this is only the phenomenological side. Inside, the Narcissist suffers from a chronic lack of confidence and is fundamentally dissatisfied. His is a vicissitudinal nature on the outside - not reflecting a barren landscape of misery and fears on the inside. His tumultuous behaviour covers up for a submissive, depressed soul. |
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An excellent Web page about the Narcisstic Personality. |
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A Web page about Cult leaders. Does anything here sound familiar? |
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Updated 11-25-98